All I Want for Christmas
by BitterRenegade
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, and Jeff 'Joker' Moreau is in a bar. Drinking. Alone. (Christmas Oneshot in the same AU of 'Across the Universe' and 'Drops of Jupiter'.)


Hi everyone! So, this is a Christmas oneshot set during the two years of Sabrina's death. Figured that if I couldn't give you guys a ton of chapters, this was the least I could do. Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

WARNING: If you aren't familiar with my other Mass Effect stories (They're all set in the same AU), there is an OC.

~*~  
All I Want for Christmas  
~*~

Even though I was sitting there at the bar, alone, drink in hand… I could imagine exactly what she'd be doing if she were here. She'd complain about me being anti-social on Christmas, tease me relentlessly…

Probably hand me some horribly wrapped present. CP never did strike me as the kind of girl that could wrap nicely. She did, however, strike me as the kind of girl who loved Christmas. Hell, she probably got Shepard to celebrate with her every year… decorate the tree…

Except… not anymore.

I took a large gulp of my drink, feeling the liquid burn down my throat.

" _Don't you, I don't know… have family to spend Christmas with?"_ she would have asked. Her chocolate brown eyes would have looked a bit guilty, a bit sad… _"If you want, you could spend Christmas with me and Sabs. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."_

"Of course she wouldn't," I grunted, scowling down at my now empty glass. But now, CP would. Honestly, I didn't even know why I came here for Christmas. If anything I could have visited dad and Hillary on Tiptree… spent the holiday with them. Instead I was sitting in a random bar in the Citadel with a professionally wrapped gift in my pocket (no way in hell would I wrap it myself and live with her teasing me about it), probably unable to give it to the person it was meant for.

And it was my fault.

How many guys could say that they killed their best friend's sister? Not a lot, I was sure. And since Shepard died… CP changed. She stopped responding to my messages, shutting all of us out…

God, I missed her. It was selfish for me to miss her. It was stupid for me to wonder if she missed me too. But it was Christmas, and I was a sucker for the season so I let myself wish.

…Maybe she'd let me see her…

"Joker, you know Chakwas won't be happy if she knows you're here," the rumbling voice of a certain turian stated from behind me. I let out a sigh.

"Come on Vakarian, we both know you're not going to say anything," I responded uncaringly, rolling my eyes. He took the seat next to me, concern written all over his face. "How're you holding up?"

Garrus chuckled, shaking his head. "I've been doing fine. It's… tough, seeing Kim the way she is… but Chakwas thinks we're making progress."

The bartender refilled my drink. "…Is she doing better, then?" I inquired, staring down at the amber liquid.

"Can't say," Garrus shrugged, waving down the bartender for a drink for himself.

My brow furrowed, my lips twisting down into a frown. Kaidan had mentioned that it had been bad… I'd even seen the signs of it at the funeral. She was angry, broken… The smile I'd grown used to had been replaced with a frown. Her eyes that used to fill up with stars whenever she got excited were empty.

…I'd killed more than just one person when the Normandy was destroyed.

I'd killed Kim too.

"Have you spoken to her much?" I inquired, adjusting my hat and turning my head to look at the turian. "Kaidan mentioned he hasn't heard from her at all."

Garrus shook his head. "I've tried. She doesn't talk much anymore."

The present in my pocket felt like it was burning. "Ah." an awkward silence passed between us. "You'll still keep me updated on how she's doing, though?"

"Pease, Joker. Keeping you updated is the least I could do," the turian assured, a drink getting placed in front of him. "We're all worried about her… you're just in the worst position right now."

I let out a scoff. "I'm guessing Chakwas told you about her little ban?"

Garrus's mandibles fluttered. "The last time you messaged Kim she had a panic attack. Chakwas is just trying to help her recover, you have to understand."

"I do," I sighed, hanging my head. "I just… I miss her."

She was my best friend, after all. It was hard enough with Shepard gone… and now, CP was gone too. I missed her smile, how we'd tease each other…

" _You're so in love with me."_

My chest ached.

"I'll take good care of her," Garrus told me, placing a talon on my shoulder. "I'll keep you updated on her recovery. But you need to stay away." I nodded my head. "Anyways, I've gotta get back. Chakwas wants me to take Kim to her house for that, uh… human celebration. With the… presents, I think."

I smirked at the turian's awkward expression. "So, what'd you get her?"

Garrus shrugged, sheepish. "I asked a storekeeper about what to get a human girl who likes cooking. They gave me this little… oven thing?"

My drink got caught in my throat as I laughed. "An Easy Bake Oven?"

The turian nodded, mandibles fluttering. "Think she'll like it?"

He seemed so proud about it that I just didn't have the heart to tell him that only little girls got Easy Bake Ovens. Then again, CP… at least the way she used to be… her eyes would have lit up at it and she would have giggled and thrown her arms around Garrus's neck…

Maybe it would do her good.

Taking another slug of my drink, I nodded my head. "She'll love it."

"Happy Christmas, Joker," Garrus concluded, looking a bit relieved by my statement.

I just didn't have the heart to tell them that from where CP was from (and where I was from) the saying was 'Merry Christmas', not 'Happy Christmas'.

"I'll try my hardest," I grinned up at the turian as he stood, ready to leave and celebrate Christmas with the girl that I wanted to spend my Christmas with.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit jealous.

…There was no way that I wasn't on the naughty list this year. First I kill my best friends sister, then I get jealous of the guy who's trying to not only help my best friend, but help me too. Damn, I was a shitty person.

Resting my hand over my pocket, my jaw clenched when I felt the small box that I knew was still there, wrapped nicely, ready to give.

She'd probably just throw it away if I tried to give it to her.

I downed my drink quickly.

Getting drunk on Christmas… jeez, what would CP think…

That thought left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I paid my tab soon after that before returning to the shitty motel room I'd rented in the wards for my visit. After tomorrow I'd head to Tiptree for a bit… stay with family. I'd comply with Chakwas's request to cease contact with Kim, after all, Garrus was going to keep me updated. I didn't need to worry about her anymore.

But that didn't stop me from worrying about her.

And… this wasn't like with Ashley. I couldn't hug her, or tease her, or make her feel like things were alright because they weren't. I killed her sister.

God, what would Ash think about all this? She'd asked me to take care of Kim… This wasn't taking care of Kim, this wasn't…

I leaned against the railing of my room's balcony, clutching CP's gift in my hands. The wrapping paper was dark blue, with silver ribbon wrapped around it. If I dropped it off the balcony…

No.

My grip tightened on the gift and I headed back inside. I… should probably rest. Too much alcohol tonight, just messing with me head.

Sure, there was no way I could give it to her this year. I guess I could have asked Garrus to give it to her… but I just…

" _Wow, Jeff… it's beautiful."_

I wanted to see her smile. Hear her laugh. See her eyes fill with stars and her cheeks turn red.

" _How'd you know I liked things like this?"_

I had to give it to her… maybe next year.

" _We_ are _best friends, aren't we?"_

And if I couldn't see her next year then… one day.

" _Yeah, we are."_

One day.


End file.
